Nourishing Hearts throughout Christmas
In our Christmas article last year, we explored some of the difficulties those contending with grief may face over the Christmas period along with some suggestions for coping strategies. This year, we wanted to share some advice for those supporting bereaved friends and loved ones in making the most out of this Christmas, and what better way to do that than through ‘grief groceries’?
The holiday season can bring a mix of joy and sorrow, particularly for those navigating the waters of loss. Christmas, with its emphasis on family gatherings, festive meals, and cherished traditions, often amplifies feelings of absence and longing for loved ones who are no longer with us. A friendly gesture from you could make all the difference.
Hugh Hollowell Jr has published an article about what the concept of grief groceries is, you can read it here or below:
“Hey there, Thanks for writing. I’m really glad your friend has you in her life.
I get it. Grief is a funny thing. It’s the time in our life when we most need help, and also the time when asking for help is so hard. Not because we are ashamed to ask for help, although that happens sometimes too. But mostly because our brain just sort of shuts down.
When my Dad died, I looked functional. But I wasn’t OK. Not at all. And when the news got out, the ton of people flooding me with calls, texts, and DM’s was overwhelming. I really couldn’t function. I sat on the swing in our yard and just stared into space. People called and asked what they could do to help. I had no idea.
“Well, anything you need at all, let me know, OK?”
“OK”.
They hung up. I stared into space some more. I had no idea what to do. What I needed. I didn’t even know what to ask for.
Then a friend sent a text. This friend had met Dad once but didn’t really know him. But still, she knew I was hurting. I saw who it was and almost put the phone down without reading the text, but I saw the message and it stopped me:
Will you be home at 8:30 tonight?
What’s weird is this friend lives 12 hours away from me.
Yes, I replied.
“K.”
10 minutes later, she said, “Instacart will be there at 8:30. Open the door for them.”
“What?”
“Grief Groceries!!”
When Instacart showed up, they put two large bags of groceries on my porch. Frozen pizzas. Ice cream. Oreo cookies. Tinned soup. Stouffer’s lasagna. A gallon of milk. Like that. Things I could heat up if I needed a meal, or pig out on if I needed fat and sugar. Sometimes, you just need to eat half a box of Oreos.
Notice she didn’t ask if I needed any food. I would have said no. She just asked if I would be home.”
The important take away from this story is to act considerately on someone’s behalf by taking things off their plate, making their day-to-day more manageable.
At Primrose Hospice & Family Support Centre we support patients, clients and families in a huge variety of ways. One of these ways is through our regular bereavement groups, including our Cook n Share Group.
We met with Lisa, Family Support and Benefits Lead Adviser at Primrose Hospice to ask her about one the Cook n Share group. This is what she said:
“Our Cook n Share group was set up in 2019 after we noticed people living alone after a loved one had died were struggling with meals and eating times. We found issues were arising like people were eating less healthy food, often being processed and quick. They were having to buying ingredients for one person which lead to higher costs. We also found eating alone can make meals become more like a chore. All this lead to unhealthy snacking, depression, lack of motivation and routine, lack of routine, loneliness and isolation.
The Cook n Share group encourages people to work together as a team; encourages people to form relationships and friendships, promotes healthy eating and is cost-effective. It also reduces isolation and loneliness, boosts mood and creates a sense of belonging and community.”
The first Christmas after the group was set up, three of the group members got together to share a meal on Christmas day itself.
We spoke to the individuals about the benefits they have from visiting the Cook n Share group:
“I felt at home from day one, because we know we are all in the same boat. We know each other’s situations so we know what we’re talking about.
I think one of the things that keeps us all together is we’re here because we’ve all lost something which is very important to us, and this helps, to a certain extent, to replace that loss. We can never forget what’s happened, but it helps us deal with it and forget it, in the time while we’re here.
I remember when we first started for a few weeks, we were all very sombre and very down. And I can remember six or seven sessions in and somebody said something funny, and we all laughed. And it was like, it’s okay to laugh and we’ve been laughing ever since, amongst the tears. It was sort of a magic moment, I always remember it.”
Grief groceries are the simple act of shopping on behalf of someone you care about to fulfil basic necessities and provide a few creature comforts. Doing this spontaneously, without first quizzing the recipient, means that you are helping without causing stress. However, it’s incredibly important to fully consider the situation of those you are supporting, to communicate well, and ensure you’re meeting their needs. Grief groceries are about helping after all, not surprises or scoring brownie points.
Feelings of grief and the life adjustments we make during times of bereavement can become all-consuming. Pile onto this the expectations of Christmas, and it’s easy to see why so many can become overwhelmed and trying to make decisions in this kind of landscape can be incredibly challenging. As someone supporting a bereaved person or family, one of the most helpful things you can do is take some of that decision-making off the table.
Of course, thinking on someone else’s behalf is no small feat so it can be good sticking to the basics to begin with. For some ideas for what to buy, take a look at our Grief Groceries Shopping List!
One thing that is important to consider are the dietary requirements of those you are supporting and their families such as vegetarianism or any potential allergies. If in doubt, it’s always best to ask. This could be a simple text message like; “Hi, I’m sorting you out some groceries to help make life a little easier. Don’t worry, I’ve taken care of everything with the order, I just need to know if there are any special dietary or allergy requirements?”
When organising meal deliveries, practicality is key. Ensure that meals are clearly labelled with reheating instructions, as this small detail can significantly impact how your support is received. Think creatively about what you include in your care packages. Beyond traditional meals, consider adding comforting snacks, beverages, and small treats. A handwritten note can add a personal touch that shows you care and are thinking of them during this difficult time (Public Health Palliative Care International, 2022).
It’s also worth considering any responsibilities those you are supporting may have such as care for children and pets. Adding a few treats and pet food to your care package is a good way of covering all the bases and giving a little extra peace of mind.
Encouraging community involvement can also be beneficial. Meal trains, where friends and family coordinate to provide meals, can ease the burden on the bereaved while reinforcing community bonds. This collective effort can make the grieving individual feel supported from multiple fronts and remind the bereaved that they are not alone in their grief.
If done right and communicated well, your efforts may make someone’s Christmas feel just a little more Christmassy and shows that people care when it’s needed the most!
Receiving Grief Groceries
If you are bereaved and receive a random food parcel this Christmas, don’t be alarmed. The idea of grief groceries has gone viral over the past couple of years, with lots of shares over social media, so more and more people are supporting one another in this way. It may feel a little odd at first, perhaps even a little intrusive but remember, we’re all in this together and it’s good to have a little support now and again.
In the early days following a loss, every meal can feel heavy with meaning, laden with memories and emotions. But meals can be more than just sustenance; they can provide a sense of comfort and a way to connect with others. If you are grieving, reaching out to loved ones to share a meal can be a gentle way to engage with your feelings and keep memories alive. Preparing a favourite dish of your loved one can be a healthy way of evoking cherished memories and feelings of connection. This act can honour their memory, bringing a sense of solace as you engage with the familiar smells and flavours that remind you of them. Sharing these moments with friends and family can foster a safe space where stories and laughter might intermingle with tears and closure that help with the healing process (Mendoza, 2021 & Victor, 2020).
Receiving meals from friends and family can also alleviate the burden of meal preparation. The act of cooking may feel overwhelming, and having nourishing food delivered can allow you to focus on your emotional needs, providing a little breathing room during a tumultuous time. Consider meals that are easy to heat and enjoy—things like pasta, curries, casseroles, soups, or hearty stews that can be shared with others or savoured alone.
If you can, it’s best to avoid falling into the trap of regular take-away meals and snacks as too many of these could impact your health in the long term. But remember to be kind to yourself, sometimes that tub of Ben & Jerry’s just needs to be eaten!
If you or someone you know needs support, Primrose Hospice & Family Support Centre is here for you. Our Family Support Centre will re-open after Christmas on 2nd January at 9am. You can make a referral and find out more information by clicking here.
In the meantime, from everyone on the Primrose Hospice & Family Support Centre team, we wish you a warm and peaceful Christmas.
By Josh Davies
References
Davies, J. 2023. Bereavement at Christmas. Primrose Hospice Blog. [Online] Available at: https://primrosehospice.org/news/bereavement-at-christmas
Hollowell Jr. H. 2022. Greif Groceries. Facebook. [Online] Available at: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/17GAjM696K
Luke, J. 2024. Children’s Team Leader, Primrose Hospice. Pers. Comm.
Mendoza, M. 2021. The Role of Food in Grief, and How we can Help. Psychology Today. [Online] Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/understanding-grief/202104/the-role-food-in-grief-and-how-we-can-help
Public Health Palliative Care International. (2022). 7th Public Health Palliative Care International Conference. [Online] Available at: https://www.phpci.org
Victor, C. 2020. The Connection between Food and Grief. Fox Valley Hands of Hope. [Online] Available at: https://www.fvhh.net/2020/03/02/the-connection-between-food-and-grief
Links in references may lead to external websites. Unless otherwise identified, Primrose Hospice is not affiliated with references provided.
