Coping with Bereavement: It’s Okay to Have Good Days
You’re not alone, bereavement can be a complicated and confusing time and it’s completely okay to feel that way.
Grief is a deeply personal journey that many of us face at some point in our lives, filled with a mix of emotions that can be both overwhelming and surprising. When we talk about grief, we’re referring to all those feelings that come with loss — sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion. Bereavement, on the other hand, is about the state of having lost someone close, often marked by the rituals and behaviours we perform in their memory. While it’s easy to think that bereavement always leads to grief, it’s important to remember that grief can pop up at any time, even outside those formal mourning periods.
Many people find themselves smiling or laughing during a time of loss, and that can feel a bit confusing. You might recall a fond memory of your loved one or share a laugh with friends, and suddenly it feels wrong to be happy. But here’s the good news: experiencing positive emotions during grief is not just normal; it can actually help you heal. Research shows that those who allow themselves to feel joy alongside their grief are more likely to cope in healthier ways, such as reaching out for support or engaging in activities that bring them meaning (Davis et al., 1998). So, embracing those moments of happiness can be a vital part of your healing journey.
One helpful concept to understand is the Dual Process Model of grief, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut. This model suggests that coping with loss involves alternating between confronting your grief and engaging with life (Stroebe and Schut, 1999). You might mourn one moment and find joy in a simple pleasure the next—this back-and-forth is completely natural. It reminds us that it’s possible to have happiness even while grieving.
You may also experience what are known as “grief bursts.” These are sudden, intense feelings of grief that can hit you unexpectedly, often triggered by reminders of your loved one. Yet, these moments can also be mixed with positive memories and laughter, showcasing the complexity of grief. Research by Dr. Keren M. O’Brien indicates that these mixed emotions can actually help us process our feelings better, allowing us to hold onto both sorrow and joy (O’Brien, 2019).
This week we had the pleasure of sitting down with Heather, the Head of Family Support at Primrose Hospice, who told about some of the theories they routinely draw on when working with clients.
‘One interesting concept that can help us understand the grieving process is the ‘Growing around grief’ but commonly known as fried egg
theory proposed by Dr. Lois Tonkin. This theory visualizes grief as a fried egg, where the yolk represents the core of the loss, and the surrounding white symbolizes the various emotions and experiences that accompany it. Over time, while the yolk—the intense pain of loss—remains at the centre, the egg white expands, representing the gradual integration of other emotions like joy, love, and even laughter into our lives (Tonkin, 1996). This metaphor beautifully illustrates how, although the pain of losing a loved one may never completely disappear, it can coexist with new experiences and sentiments, ultimately allowing us to embrace life in a more holistic way. By recognizing this interplay of emotions, we can find comfort in knowing that it’s not only okay to feel joy amidst grief but also a natural part of the healing journey.
Another valuable perspective on grief is the Continuing Bonds Attachment Theory, which emphasizes that our connection to a loved one doesn’t end with their passing. Instead, this theory suggests that we maintain a relationship with the deceased through memories, rituals, and ongoing emotional attachment (Klass, Silverman, and Nickman, 1996). This approach recognizes that it’s normal to feel the presence of our loved ones in our lives even after they are gone. For many, this might mean talking to them, visiting their favourite places, or incorporating their memory into daily life. It’s really about linking our past experiences with our present, a process often referred to as “developing a continuing bond.” Embracing this idea can be incredibly comforting, allowing us to honour our loved ones while also acknowledging that our relationships with them can evolve rather than cease entirely. By fostering these continuing bonds, we can find a sense of peace and connection that supports our healing journey.’
Beyond theory, cultural influences significantly shape how we express and experience grief. In many cultures, celebrating the life of someone who has passed is common. For example, during the Day of the Dead (Día de los Muertos), many Hispanic communities honour their loved ones with vibrant celebrations that blend joy and remembrance (Hernández, 2018). These practices encourage us to focus on the positive aspects of our relationships, fostering an environment where joy can coexist with grief.
It’s essential to normalize the mixed emotions that come with losing someone. Society often portrays grief as a solemn experience, which can lead many to feel guilty for moments of happiness. However, recognizing that joy can exist alongside sorrow can be freeing. It allows us to honour our loved ones while still acknowledging our own needs for happiness.
As you navigate your grief, it’s crucial to allow yourself to feel all your emotions—both the highs and the lows. Suppressing what you feel can prolong your pain. Instead, embracing your emotions is a key part of healing. Creating rituals, like lighting a candle or planting a tree in memory of your loved one, can offer comfort and connection (Vandenberghe and Kauffman, 2015).
Don’t forget to seek support during this challenging time. Talking to friends, family, or professionals can lighten your emotional load and
help build a sense of community. Support groups or therapy can provide valuable insights and coping strategies. Additionally, taking care of your physical health through regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep can improve your mood and resilience. Mindfulness practices like meditation or yoga can also help you manage stress and promote emotional well-being (Bonanno, 2004).
Engaging in activities that bring you joy can serve as a helpful distraction and give your life a sense of purpose. Whether it’s picking up a hobby or volunteering, these activities can help balance the weight of grief. If you find your feelings becoming overwhelming, seeking professional help can provide you with the tools to navigate your emotions more effectively.
Coping with bereavement is a unique journey for each person, and it’s perfectly normal to experience moments of joy during this time. Embrace your emotions, seek support, and practice self-care. It’s okay to have good days amidst your grief. By recognizing the complexity of your feelings, you can find a path that honours both your sorrow and your happiness. Healing is a journey, and you are not alone.
Written by: Josh Davies
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